A mother-child relationship is meant to be nurturing, selfless, and encouraging. But what if your mother fulfills her needs at the expense of yours? It hurts beyond imagination. Yes, I am talking about a narcissistic mother, the one who ruins the essence of this warm relationship, ending up destroying both the childhood and personality of her children.
Narcissistic mothers manipulate their children for their pleasure, gain, and satisfaction. Research has shown that narcissistic mothers often raise self-critical adults who are more prone to depression and anxiety. These children live either an incompetent, isolated, or denied childhood.
While dealing with such parents, the first step is to have a deep insight into narcissistic behavior. Let’s understand what narcissism is, its signs, and the practical ways to handle a narcissist in your life.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a self-centered personality style characterized by a grandiose sense of self, admiration-seeking behavior, and a lack of empathy. Such people rely entirely on external sources of validation to maintain their self-esteem and often alternate between extreme pride and shame.
It is important to know that people can display varied signs of narcissism but not have narcissistic personality disorder. To receive a diagnosis, a person must meet the DSM-5 clinical criteria by the American Psychological Association for narcissistic personality disorder.
Traits of a Narcissistic Mother
Most of the time, children don’t figure out their narcissistic parents. They consider their toxic traits a reaction to parenting challenges. Here are some traits often possessed by narcissistic mothers.
- Grandiose sense of self-importance
- Arrogance and entitlement
- Lack of empathy
- Emotionally manipulating
- Excessive need for admiration
- Lack of personal insight
- Envious of others
- Sensitive to criticism
Signs Possessed by a Narcissistic Mother
Spotting a narcissist can be difficult at times, particularly when it’s your mother, as we are emotionally too attached to them and always try to justify our mothers. But earlier or later, you have to face reality. Here are some signs of a self-centered mom:
1. She doesn’t respect your boundaries
A healthy mother-child relationship is based on maintaining certain boundaries. Narcissistic mothers are poor at giving space and independence to their children. They always try to intrude on your privacy. This may include random visits without informing you, picking up your calls, or making mutual plans without realizing the need for your consent.
2. She sees you as an extension of herself
Narcissistic mothers need to understand that children are a reflection of their parents rather than an extension of them. They don’t respect your individuality. As a result, they always overreact to your success and failure as if it were their own. If you achieve something, they want the whole credit. Likewise, they feel guilt and shame at your failure.
3. She sets unrealistic expectations
Parents always want to raise happy and competent children ahead of them. But, narcissistic mothers are obsessed with the perfection of their children. They want you to accomplish their unachieved aims and goals regardless of your interests and limitations. She keeps on telling you, “Why can’t you act more like —-?”
4. She can’t bear criticism
Narcissists are people with fragile egos and low self-esteem. They can’t accept their faults. Whenever you try to argue or question their views, they perceive it as a direct attack and react aggressively. The conversation may end in emotional blackmailing like, “I made so many sacrifices for you to see you confronting me like this.”
5. She is obsessed with being viewed as perfect
External validation is a consistent trait of narcissism. A self-centered mom is overly concerned about people’s perceptions of her. Her focus is to be exemplified as a perfect mother rather than being an excellent mother.
That’s why you’ll often spot her in gatherings promoting her parenting skills and mentioning your achievements beyond need. You may often hear phrases like, “You’re so lucky to have a mother like me.”
6. She Gaslights you
A self-absorbed mother lacks empathy. She doesn’t care about your needs and problems. Instead, she says, “Come on, you are being too sensitive and dramatic.” There is this specific behavior known as gaslighting that narcissistic mothers possess.
7. She presents herself as a victim to gain sympathy
If your mother plays the victim card too often, there is a high chance that she is a narcissist. You’ll find her complaining, “You never understand me.”
8. Her love feels conditional
Maternal love is the most unconditional form of love in this world. Still, if you feel like you have to earn it or win her heart by fulfilling her demands or expectations, unfortunately, your mother is a narcissist.
9. She creates misunderstanding between you and your close ones
It is a bitter truth that a narcissistic mother wants her to be the center of attention in every situation. She finds it intolerable when she feels like your attention is divided. She won’t even hesitate to create distances between you and your close ones, whether they be your siblings, partner, father, a close friend, or another relative in her jealousy.
10. She subconsciously competes with you
A mother is a person who wants the best for her child. But a narcissistic mother often compares herself with her children, particularly daughters. Instead of appreciating you, she will react like, “Good job, but I would have done it better.” Consequently, your big moments are often ruined because of her competitive nature.
Impact of a Narcissistic Mother on a Child’s Personality
Mother plays an irreplaceable role in your life being the first character of your life. A good mother’s impact is deeply rooted in a child’s personality. Likewise, maternal narcissism leaves a lifelong mark on children. Children raised by narcissistic mothers often manifest;
- Poor emotional intelligence
- Self-blaming and criticism
- No healthy emotional boundaries
- Unstable attachments
- Extra compromising
- Low self-esteem
- Depression and anxiety
How to Deal with a Narcissistic Mother?
Dealing with a narcissistic mother demands patience and good self-control on your part. Here are some effective and practical ways to deal with it:
Educate yourself:
Explore the narcissistic traits deeply. When you know that it’s a disorder and your mother can’t help that, you will be able to take things rationally without self-blaming.
Implement firm boundaries:
Ensure maintaining firm boundaries with your mother. Tell her clearly that you need a certain level of privacy and independence, whether it be her or anyone else.
Social support:
Try to socialize and connect with people. This will let you forget the unnecessary distress of this relationship.
Professional guidance:
Seek help from some professionals regarding this matter. Book solo therapy sessions for both yourself and your mother. This will help to figure out things and solutions more precisely.
Prioritize your emotional needs:
Don’t be too compromising and giving. Prioritize your self-esteem no matter what. Your low self-esteem and compromising nature are what make her happy.
Stay calm:
Narcissists want you to be vulnerable. Your reaction and mood fluctuation are their goal. They want to control you, so try to stay calm and avoid unnecessary arguments as much as you can.
Let it go:
Minimize communication with your mother and take a respectful exit strategy wherever the situation escalates while talking to her.
The Bottom Line
Maternal narcissism is a suffocating experience, as maternal love is the basic need of every human being. Narcissistic mothers are emotionally manipulating. They invest in their children to the extent that makes them happy. As a result, their children live a miserable childhood.
But being an adult, you should be well aware of both your mother’s traits and your deprivations. Work on your self-esteem and take an effective approach. And that’s all.