“You can’t raise a son without a father”. “Your son will never be a successful and strong man”. “You can’t manage the finances”. “He isn’t gonna get good grades”. All these external or internal voices make you feel like you can’t do it?
Listen to me, you all single moms raising your sons without their fathers, whether you are unmarried, divorced or widowed, whether your son’s biological father provides child support or not, you are gonna make it. Believe me you are gonna get through it gracefully. So, you should not hate yourself if things are a mess right now.
About 15 million kids in the US are living with single mothers. Raising your child being a solo mother is not easy at all. Particularly when it comes to raising boys, this task even becomes more challenging and demanding on your part. Here, we will talk about the challenges, their solutions and the practical tips for raising a son as a single mom. Stay tuned.
1. Talk good about his father
Children ask questions about their fathers as they grow and realise that not everyone is living without a father. Here you can take two moves; either change the subject or let him know about his father. Well, the former approach seems easy but you can’t escape the situation every time. Even if you do so, it will raise a lot of questions and curiosity in his small mind.
The best approach is to talk about his father from time to time as suggested by Peggy Drexler. Like, you can tell him, “ you have got his humour, eyes, etc”. Even if that person hurt you, remember good mothers don’t badmouth their child’s father. It can bring negativity and low self esteem to your son. He will end up blaming you or himself for his father’s absence. So, keep him away from negativity and unseen burden of questions and let him grow free of pressure
2. Let him live his childhood
To raise a son as a solo mother, you fulfill the responsibilities of a father as well. At times, you may be overwhelmed by this dual role. You will need physical and emotional support from your son. And, there is nothing wrong with asking for his help while doing laundry or getting a coffee mug when your head is aching. But he is not supposed to accompany you all the time.
You must ensure that his childhood doesn’t vanish under these responsibilities. Don’t imply through your words or actions that he is expected to solve your problems in any way. Make him a responsible and careful person but not “the man of the house”.
3. Connect him with good men
While guiding you on how to raise a boy child as a single mother, an important tip is to give your son good male role models. The best way is to connect your son with good males in the society whom you can trust upon for his personality development and safety.
Family men can be a great choice. If you don’t see any family men as a good role model for him, go for sports coaches or school teachers. “Encourage their active participation in multiple sports, as a coach often will act as a surrogate father in providing counsel and mental toughness, while being part of a team gives him courage and the understanding of selflessness,” says Lynn.
4. Don’t make him a “Mama Boy”
Children like to explore and this is the beauty of growth. Give your son his space and allow him to see the world through his eyes. I am not saying to leave him on his own. Set proper boundaries but respect his privacy. Stay with him and guide him wherever needed but let him take his own decisions.
5. Show him a good female version
As human beings, we all have inherent emotional susceptibility. While dealing with finances and parenting challenges at a time, you will want to yell and scream out loud at times. Well, you can choose a bathroom or a park for this purpose, but don’t expose your son to this side of yours.
Try to avoid all sorts of rants about your deprivations in front of your son. While raising a son as a single mom, it’s important to show him that a female can cook a meal and she can shovel the snow too. Your strong and graceful behaviour will introduce him with the respect of women, something we all single moms want to see in our sons.
6. Learn about boys
Boys are totally different creatures as compared to girls. Their body build up, metabolism, hormones, emotional pattern, hence each and every thing is different from us. So, it is advisable to explore how to raise boys. Here are some books for single moms raising a son;
- Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys by Stephen James and Thomas David
- Masterminds & Wingmen by Rosalind Wiseman (if you have got teens )
These books provide a wonderful guide on how to raise a son without a father. Besides this, as a mommy of a baby boy, a creature who doesn’t know how to sit still and calm, who always wants to be a super hero or a batman, you must get used to the boy stuff.
7. Schedule time for yourself
Raising a son as a single mom doesn’t mean you owe all your life to your son. Don’t be too focused on your son’s upbringing. It is important to know how to take care of yourself as a mom. Don’t forget that you have a body of your own to be taken care of and a heart that equally deserves to be happy. So, try to socialize and get yourself a good circle.
Connect yourself with some single mother associations and welfare programmes in your country. Find someone to pour yourself out whether it be your family, friend or a second husband. Your first marriage or relationship failed, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that the second one will be a mishap too. Give yourself and your son a chance to live a complete family life.
8. Don’t let the negativity prevail you
Single mothers have to hear a lot of unwanted stuff from society. Sometimes people will tell you that you are gonna fail badly. They may talk shit about your or your kid’s father in front of your son. A random person will advise you to get married again.
Some other day, you will see some research that boys raised by single mothers show poor academic performance. The only way to maintain a good single mom and son relationship is to unhear all those harsh voices and unseen all such figures.
Well, I am not saying these researches are not real but, the thing is that a lot of factors contribute to the success of a child besides a family pattern. These may include race, educational background and opportunities, residence, health issues, finances and many more. So, no one can tell the future of your child.
Conclusion
Raising a son as a single mom is a great challenge in itself. It is hard to play the role of a mother, a house lady, and a working woman at the same time. Sometimes, you will feel completely drained and fed up. But remember, your efforts mean a lot to your kid. So, give your son a better mom that compensates his fatherlessness.
When you will see your son as a successful and productive individual of society, all these years of struggle would vanish behind this contentment and pride. Stay patient. Stay positive. Stay resilient.