“Headstrong”
“Stubborn”
“Rebellious”
These are the words people commonly use to describe the nature of their strong-willed toddlers. And rightfully so (to some extent). Strong-willed kids have minds of their own, and even if they aren’t mature enough, they do what they want to do.
But let me clarify that these traits are not all negative. These qualities and strong attitudes show they will become fearless and successful individuals.
So, you have to be a little bit strategic to handle them efficiently. Just screaming at them or forcing them to listen to you won’t work.
In this piece, I’ve collected some practical advice from my experience of peacefully parenting a strong-willed toddler.
Firstly, Understand the Strong-Willed Child
Before moving to the strategies, let me tell you who strong-willed toddler girls and boys are and how they behave.
1. “I don’t want to…” is their mantra
They might say this phrase a million times in a day. It does not mean that they have any problem with you. It’s their nature to resist authority and go against the norm, even if you ask them to do something as little as brush their teeth before going to bed.
Rex L. Forehand expressed it very well in his book Parenting the Strong-Willed Child: The Clinically Proven Five-Week Program for Parents of Two- to Six-Year-Olds:
“The philosophy “Do as I say, not as I do” does not work. Modeling is more powerful than words in teaching your children how to behave. Set a good example for your child!”
2. Intense emotional outbursts
They might show strong emotional reactions because they take their autonomy very seriously. They feel insulted when you restrict them from doing something they want. Being sensitive to the feelings, they might appear more dramatic than other kids.
So, as a parent, you should understand their emotions and know they are not just acting out by throwing a tantrum for no good reason.
3. They hear you (but not really)
I’ve noticed that strong-willed kids always seem to know exactly what they want and won’t budge, even if it means brushing off my advice or instructions. At first, it felt kind of disrespectful. But over time, I realized they were not trying to insult me. They’re just focused on their own goals and ideas.
That’s what you might need to understand about your spirited children.
How to Parent a Strong-Willed Toddler? 5 Tips to Handle Them
Every child is different, so you can’t really pick and choose a formula to handle them. However, experts suggest the following tips to handle a strong-willed child.
1. Handle them with extra love and care
Loving a spirited child is one of the parenting challenges you might face. But these kids need your extra love and support because they are emotionally sensitive and volatile. They need your constant surety and validation.
Offer a comforting hug or soothing words when they are at the peak of their emotions. They need your steady love to feel safe. Over time, this extra care helps them learn to navigate their big emotions.
2. Give them choices instead of straight orders
They pull away the moment they feel forced to do something. Instead, try changing how you talk to them and let them feel in charge of the decision.
Lisa Bevere, a speaker, author, and co-founder of Messenger International, talked about this parenting style in her podcast. She shared a trick for handling her strong-willed kid—she gives him two choices (both work for her). This way, he feels in charge, but she’s the one actually calling the shots.
3. Let them learn through experiments
Spirited kids learn through accidents. Since they do not have the nature of following rules, they experiment on their own.
For example, they might insist on pouring their own juice even if it spills everywhere or climb onto a wobbly chair after you’ve told them it’s not safe. They’re not trying to defy you; they’re just wired to learn by doing. So, the best way is to let them be free to experiment with everything unless it is not harmful to them.
When you know that they have a trial-and-error approach, you become a better mom for them.
4. Cooperate, don’t order
When you order them, they feel triggered and overwhelmed. They feel like you are taking their independence back, even if the order is as little as asking them to finish the dinner and sleep all night peacefully.
So, you should engage them actively. It’s about asking them to carve out potential solutions together. When you invite them to collaborate, they feel equally respected. It really fuels their nature.
5. Create routines and house rules
The child might demand to have snacks just before dinner. But when you have proper meal times fixed, he gets conditioned to just eat at scheduled meal times or when he is hungry.
In another example, a “homework first, then play” rule keeps things clear. Using timers or rewards, like extra playtime for finishing homework on time, helps kids learn the order. It proves that routines are one of the most effective ways to deal with a strong-willed toddler. Whether you are raising a boy or a girl, giving them control (at least seemingly) will reduce your parenting struggle.
So, How to Discipline a Strong-Willed Child?
Kids are different, just like us adults. You need to understand their personality and emotions and handle them thoughtfully. If your kid does not like to be controlled, give him supervised freedom. Let the strong-willed toddler choose and decide things on his own.
Instead of imposing your orders, invite them to collaborate and create a middle ground. It will end the constant power struggle in your relationship with him.