Does your toddler give you a tough time when you leave the room, go to work, and put her to sleep? You want to soothe her sobs but are also worried about her overdependence upon you. Well, it’s time to address all your concerns.
According to John Bowlby’s Attachment theory, “mommy cries” of a toddler are a normal part of development and reflect a lot about a child’s emotional attachment towards the mother. Understanding a growing child’s psychology is a brilliant move towards figuring out an effective solution.
Let’s dig into the psychological reasons behind these toddler cries for mommy all the time, valuable lessons, and practical tips to cope with it.
Why toddler cries for mommy all the time?
First thing first, children cry, and it’s perfectly normal. They know this is one thing that has always worked for them since the very beginning. Let‘s take a look at the underlying causes of what makes your toddler cry for Mommy all the time;
Separation Anxiety
Separation anxiety is a normal developmental stage in babies where they get anxious or distressed when they have to separate from their parent or primary caregiver. According to AAP, it usually begins at 6 to 12 months, peaks between 10 to 18 months, and goes away by 3 years.
Here are some signs your toddler may express during this phase;
- Baby crying when mom leaves
- Screaming or having a tantrum upon separation
- Clinginess to caregiver
- Difficult to calm down when you drop them off at daycare or someone’s home
- Wanting you next to them when they fall asleep
Now you must be wondering why this happens? Separation anxiety develops as your child’s brain grows and he gets the idea of object permanence. Once you leave, they think the absence is permanent and you won’t return, leading to anxiety.
This is not only normal but also a sign of meaningful attachment and healthy cognitive development, says Centre on the Developing Child Harvard University. However, if the symptoms seem more intense than her age fellows or persist even after 3 years, it may point towards some serious issue i.e, separation anxiety disorder.
Emotional attachment to mommy
Babies are biologically wired to seek closeness to their primary caregiver( more often than not a mother) as a survival instinct, says John Bolbey’s attachment theory. Whenever they are hungry, tired, wet, or just needing you emotionally, they cry to let you know they need you. And being a good mother, you respond by fulfilling their needs.
Your responsiveness to their cries makes them believe that you are their comfort zone and they can rely upon you. This is how nature works. But sometimes, we as parent fear that this over-responsiveness may hinder their journey towards independence, right?
Dr. Deborah MacNamara, author of the best-selling book Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and the Director of Kid’s Best Bet Counseling and Family Resource Centre, says something quite different;
“When kids can take for granted that their attachment needs will be met, they are freed to play, discover, imagine, move freely, and pay attention. It is paradoxical, but when we fulfill their dependency needs, they are pushed forward towards independence.”
Based on the caregiver’s responsiveness, the toddler attachment styles are typically categorized as secure and insecure. In secure attachment, a child feels safe with you and becomes distressed upon your absence. But they will calm down as soon as you return.
Insecure attachments are when babies don’t feel secure with their caregivers. So, separations are easy. But in the long run, secure attachments raise emotionally healthy and strong-willed children with fewer trust issues. To explore attachment styles in detail, I must recommend John Bowlby’s Attachment and Loss and Strange Situation by Mary Ainworth.
Changes in environment or routine
If your toddler cries for mommy all the time, it may be the start of daycare or your returning to work that is upsetting her. It may also be a different bedroom, blanket, food, or a new sibling that is making her insecure towards you. It is important to appreciate that children take time to adapt to change. Some may adjust easily, and for others, it is quite difficult. So, don’t lose your patience.
Emotional development
Toddlers are learning to regulate their emotions. The growth challenges may seem easy to us, but for them, it’s an unpredictable and unfamiliar world. And they need you at every step. It is advisable to engage them in emotional development activities like book reading, emotional games and positive affirmation cards,etc.
Practical tips to handle a toddler crying for mommy all the time
No doubt, it is overwhelming when your toddler cries for Mommy all the time. We are always here to make these parenting challenges easy for you with our practical guidance. Also, explore how to be a better mom to ease this journey.
1. Validate their feelings
Take a second to appreciate that those tearful eyes and mommy whines that may sometimes seem a manipulation to bind us by themselves are their genuine needs.
Good parenting demands you to validate their emotions: “I know you are sad upon my departure; Mommy will also miss you and return soon.” Negating their feelings or making them feel silly won’t do any good.
2. Practice quick goodbye rituals
Keep the goodbyes short but sweet. One mistake that I made was sneaking immediately after leaving. This does nothing but confuse their minds. So, avoid such temptations. Also, create a goodbye ritual like a hug or two kisses on the forehead.
3. Keep your promise
Make sure to return after making an assurance. Arriving before or after the promised time will lead to trust issues and exaggerated separation anxiety in your toddler.
4. Encourage attachment with others
One way to deal with a constant crying toddler is getting them closer to other parent, grandparents, and caregivers in a gradual manner. Encourage one-on-one attachments. At first, stay close to them, but you can move away once the trust builds.
5. Set a bedtime routine
If your toddler cries in sleep for you, setting a bedtime ritual is a great way. It may be a warm bath followed by a storybook reading. Give them their favourite toys and turn on soft white noise to make your leaving less noticeable.
6. Let them enjoy independence
If your child is playing happily after a nap, don’t rush to her. Offer them independent play opportunities in a connected way. “I’ll prepare the lunch while you build the blocks”. Let your child experience that being alone isn’t as scary as she anticipates.
7. Self-soothing item
Give a special gift to your child. A thing that reminds her of you when you are away. It may be your picture or a lovely toy.
8. Picture books
Children are visual learners. Watching TV shows and seeing picture books with separation scenarios helps them normalise separations. I would like to suggest “The Kissing Hand”.
9. Be consistent
Last but not least, be consistent with whatever works for your child. The same farewells every time are important in helping toddlers with transitions. Discipline yourself to discipline your child!